What's in it for me?

The Lord has provided a season of transition in my life with a lot of what I didn't used to have and not a lot of what I had gotten used to having. Significantly, I've had more time and less structure. Less structure has meant that I have rarely done the same thing two days or weeks in a row, and I have often woken up in the morning not knowing quite what my day would look like until I heard further from someone. More time has allowed more choice in the matter of what I make of my life today. Fewer restrictions. More opportunities.

In this process of figuring out what I want my time and my life to look like, I have been presented with several opportunities to carry others' crosses with them and for them. With my ability to spend large amounts of time with little or no notice, I have been able to have a unique helping role in several of old and new friends' lives. What a special time it has been. I have loved this time. I see rich purpose in it even when I don't know where exactly this road is taking me.

There have been moments, though, when I have felt completely drained. Used. Taken for granted. Taken advantage of. Worthless. Objectified. Moments when I step back and protest, "What the heck is in this for me? I am using all of my time for the good of others, but I don't even have a moment to take care of my own needs! Where is this road leading me?! Am I alone on this road? Are people only loving me because of the help I am able to give?"

This weekend was one of those times. Tears have brimmed in my eyes almost every time someone has asked me how I am doing. Someone commented to me last night, "You always seem to be helping one or another of us! Do you ever take time for yourself?" I smiled knowingly as looked into the face of her son in my arms.

I have felt the weight lately of the relentless difficulty to caring for the needs of others. I've felt both the sweetness and the loneliness of coming home to an empty house - thanking God that I can care for others' kids and come home to quietness, and yet grieving that I am caring for others' families when I don't have one myself. I've been grieving the fallenness of the world manifesting itself in relationships that I pour myself into, tirelessly investing to equip those friends to move far away.

I have fought for obedience to my Lord during this time. I've held tight to my Father as I have wondered where this path is leading and how long I will be walking alone. And I have tried to be faithful - repenting when I have caught a glimpse of my waywardness. So I live with confidence that this time has been ordained by a loving, caring, gracious, good, and powerful God. He is in this, and He is for me in this.

This weekend has been especially difficult. But God has been so gracious to bring words of peace. Last night, as I was driving home from a late night of watching kids, these words hit me hard from Philippians 4:14-20:

(Paul speaking) "Yet it was kind of you to share my trouble. And you Philippians yourselves know that in the beginning of the gospel, when I left Macedonia, no church entered into partnership with me in giving and receiving, except you only. Even in Thessalonica you sent me help for my needs once and again. Not that I seek the gift, but I seek the fruit that increases to your credit. I have received full payment, and more. I am well supplied, having received from Epaphroditus the gifts you sent, a fragrant offering, a sacrifice acceptable and pleasing to God. And my God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus. To our God and Father be glory forever and ever. Amen."

I identified with the Philippians' partnership in the gospel through difficult times, and I was comforted by Paul as he assured them that their GOD had not forgotten them and would supply for their every need. As they looked to the interests of others and not to their own interests, they received assurance from God that he himself would provide for them. What peace.

As I continue to reflect on this season of my life, I ask once again, "What is in it for me?" Because I am in Christ, I know without a doubt that what is in it for me is much better than what I am putting into it. Not only do my needs today get met by Almighty God, but through obedience to my good God, made possible by the grace of Jesus Christ, I put in hours of toil, and I reap Eternal life. Restoration. Holiness. Peace with God. Eternal security. Adoption into God's family. Joy. Every tear wiped away on that day.

"All who are thirsty, come to the waters.
You don't need no money, just buy and eat.
Come buy wine and milk without money.
Why go looking for what does not satisfy?

It's free, it's yours for the asking.
Enjoy the finest of fare.
Give ear, and come to the banquet.
FIND LIFE EVERLASTING THERE."

Press on.