So This is What it Feels Like to Learn the Hard Way...

I think it is safe to say that 99% of what I have learned in my life has been learned, what you could call, the easy way. I was the third of four kids and diverted most big mistakes by watching my two older brothers forge their own paths and in some cases flounder around in whatever challenges they found. I think I have always liked to play it safe, and as I've grown, I have developed a certain pride in learning things the easy way. For example, in taking an unprotected left turn at a stop light, I would much rather learn by someone telling me that it is better to wait to turn until after the light turns red instead of cross my fingers and hope that the car that's coming towards me at the light will stop....rather than cross my fingers and end up totaling my car. I would also much rather learn a strategic way of holding the veggies while I cut with my new knife set before I have to put my finger on ice and take it to the nearest ER. The second options are just too much trouble for my liking. Unfortunately, this tendency and pride in my life has turned into a foothold for satan to teach my heart to idolize my own reputation. Because I, for the most part, never learned things the hard way, that meant I rarely needed to be disciplined, rarely let anyone down who expected anything from me, and rarely heard anything other than praise for my reliability, responsibility, diligence, and trustworthiness. And because I have grown such a disliking to learning things the hard way, I have often (pretty consistently, actually) avoided situations where I would have my weaknesses exposed. Talk about ugly deceit and pride. Well, in God's mercy, this week I faced an inescapable situation in which I not only was forced to learn something the hard way, but I had to do it in a way which exposed my weakness and insufficiency to several people. I don't know if I can say that my reputation was absolutely crushed, but the perfection portion of it was done away with it (that's God's grace, people!). The details of the situation are kind of hilarious (now), and they involve me getting suspended at work for a detail that I didn't know about (because I am still somewhat new at the job). Unfortunately, the reaction of my boss was less than gracious, and I ended up having to try to navigate a tricky situation in communicating with her to figure out the best course of action. You would not believe how much anxiety this caused in my heart. I woke up in fear, and I lived under a dark cloud of dread for the two days of suspension and remediation. I could not shake it, no matter how much I thought, reflected, prayed, refocused, studied... What if I lost my job? What if my boss never forgave me? What if I made it onto her bad list and never got off? What if, because of this mistake, I was put under a microscope and watched even more closely? What if I couldn't measure up?! Through these fear-drenched questions, God helped me to see exactly what darkness was in my heart. And through the illumination of my fears, my idols were illuminated, and God was able to graciously redirect me towards the light. Why was I so fearful and anxious? It wasn't ultimately a fear of losing my job. No, it was a fear that my good reputation would be marred. I found that I was more concerned with my boss' thoughts towards me than I was with making the situation right. Even worse, I was much more concerned with my own reputation than I was concerned with the reputation of Christ. My dread of the marring of my reputation was stunting me from my primary aim of representing Christ accurately, lovingly, and graciously. I am convinced that God heard me when I specifically prayed this weekend that he would help me to know how to represent and guard the reputation of Christ as I interact with my coworkers. Through the humbling events of this week, I have recognized, like Moses, that though "I am not eloquent...but I am slow of speech and of tongue" (Exodus 4:10b) God has promised to be with me. And, like with Moses, he "will be with [my] mouth and teach [me] what [I] shall speak." (Exodus 4:12) "Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong." (2 Cor 12:9b-10) If I am to be an effective vessel of bringing the light of Christ to my workplace, I better believe that it is Christ who will do a work through me rather than my works and my good reputation. My reputation can't save even a hair on any one of my coworkers' heads, but the glory of Christ being displayed through my weaknesses has the potential to save their very souls. And if it takes more mistakes and learning things the hard way to make it clear that it is Christ and not my works, I only pray that God would use me to humbly, graciously, and faithfully preach the gospel at every opportunity and not waste these precious moments that God has provided for me to proclaim his truth and glory. To him be the glory both now and forevermore.