wasting away and being renewed daily.

It has been quite a brutal week. Overwhelming, discouraging, confusing, challenging. Troubling for sure. And for no particular reason. Classes started this week. Year two of the nursing program.

During the first class, I was flooded with an overwhelming sense of panic and deep emotion...lingering from the last semester that almost broke me. I had almost forgotten the brutal effects last semester had on me, and I had almost recovered by the week before classes started. On Wednesday, I stepped foot into my classroom, and it all came flooding back. The feelings of helplessness, anxiety, hopelessness, despair, depression... I felt like I was instantly hit with all that I had been running from, and I was scared for what this meant even for my future in the program. I was discouraged, disillusioned, and afraid. I had thoughts of quitting right then and there. I literally didn't think that I could go through it again. I didn't think I was capable of the tremendous strain. I didn't want to be a part of it again. It didn't feel right.

I only had two days of class this week. And I'm on day two of a four-day weekend. Praise the Lord for this time of rest, reflection, restoration, preparation and processing. I knew that I would not quit nursing school because I know that the Lord has called me to nursing since I was in elementary school. I'm aware that I don't have to be at this school to complete a degree in nursing, but I wouldn't want to be anywhere else.

And right now I have peace. I have perspective and hope. And this is only from the Lord.

This week, I felt the effects of a fallen world. I felt the effects of a broken body and mind. I felt the effects of my flesh...the lingering effects of trauma and pain. I was traumatized by last semester, and I was able to identify that this week. I felt it deeply and was frightened by it. And God gave me restored strength in that as I sought Him for answers--as I sought Him for guidance, peace and hope.

Last semester was painful. It was brutal and relentlessly difficult. It scarred me. And I learned so much from my experiences. And through re-living the emotion of that experience, I was able to begin my process of learning how to lament to the Lord.

There is a lot of brokenness in the world. Plenty of deep pain. Our world runs in a mass of broken, twisted systems that cause immense difficulty. Our dying world is crushing us as it crumbles away. And it is obvious why there is so much complaining on the part of humanity. We are suffocating. We are screaming out that this is not right. Sin sucks. It ruins everything. It takes the sweetness away from everything. Makes even good things not quite whole.

The non-believing world isn't quite aware that this is the problem, but they are aware that there is a problem. Christians are able to see the problem as it is--more and more as God opens our eyes. And what is our response to this stench of death? Should we join in the world's complaints? Should we jump in and yell and scream to our leaders and our peers that this isn't right? Should we give in to depression and become bitter and angry and jaded?

We need to learn to lament to our God. God tells us straight up not to complain. And He tells us to be honest and open. How do we reconcile the brokenness and pain of our world with this calling? We lament. We scream and cry because of the despair of this world. We call to God and tell Him about the injustice that is being done. We tell Him of the burdens that we are carrying. We weep over our own pain and fear and sin.

This week was helpful for me in coming to a deeper understanding of intimacy with God in frightening and burdensome circumstances. It sounds like I'm overstating everything that I've learned, but God has been faithful to show me so much through the events of this week. I could have complained about how much the nursing program sucked or about how they just expected too much from us and were so unorganized. But, 1. that isn't helpful, respectful, honoring, or true, and 2. that would have led to a deeper sense of despair. Instead, the Lord guided me into lamenting to Him. He guided me to enter the depths of my fears, insecurities and pain, and He allowed me to remember His character in the middle of it all.

And because the Lord is with me, I am renewed. Because God is at work to restore and redeem this seemingly hopeless person and world, I trust that He is sufficient and overwhelmingly powerful in any circumstance.

I am wasting away. I am dying and being put to death. And it sucks. It truly is horrible. But I want to be holy. And I will be holy because of God's sweet promises and Jesus' marvelous work. And therefore, I have hope in the beauty of the Lord. I have hope for now and for eternity. And because of this hope, I am renewed. Lead me on, Lord Jesus, and I will follow. Only by Your grace and for Your glory.